I am the "other" thought. The voice that barely speaks. In person, you don't really get this much out of me. Not at first. I'm still me. I just don't have anything to say until I actually have something to offer. I understand that my thoughts belong to me and me alone --expecting others to adapt them is a missionary cause I'm not quite cut out for. I'm a lot better than I used to be but my patience has its times. And everything I feel, I feel strongly --that's why I don't say much. I'm sometimes afraid people simply won't understand. I fear causing them offense because the world, to be frank, is full of bitches. We're too afraid to do what we need to do and we're too concerned with the actions of others.
I try to not to concern myself with the world. The new guy at work likes to ask me what plans I have for the weekend. "Relaxing again this weekend?" he asks "Yep," I respond. Not only do I not want people in my business (they he doesn't really give a fuck, we're all just in a battle to see who's higher on whatever our respective rulers for "cool" are. &so it goes until the day he wants to tell me about his plans to do laundry because he knows I know how lame all our lives really are.) But I'm not interested in anyone's life but my own. I don't care what people are doing. & with this blog thing, I've begun to care much, much less. I feel people weigh my benefit to them on a scale every time I hand out my card. I teeter between their thoughts as they try to balance me into their existence. I make a lot of "friends" *shrugs*. I unsure how to feel about it because more friends just means more feelings. Everyone wants loyalty on command. Some of us still make you earn shit like that. I rid myself of all acquaintances who expected things from me they don't deserve. I avoid all situations that aren't genuine. I refuse to be around people I have to impress. I spend a significant amount of my time influenced by the earth --leaving little room for its inhabitants to fuck with me to an acknowledgeable degree. I kick back & watch the hair on my legs grow. I have bigger concerns.
You don't realize how different shit is once you've gotten older because it's actually all the same as it ever was. It's the way people react to your actions that's different. The role you play might change, but it's the same game. It's just another level. The consequences are tougher. --BTW, S/O to that unnamed Loyola Alum for reasons no one really wants to talk about. Keep your head up (and use it better, next time homie). Becoming an adult means finding your own footing. People are only going to do for you (and forgive you your sins) for so long --if they do that at all. In this day & age, you can't count on anyone but yourself. Actually, that's the way it's always been, it's just that, as time passes, people have more opportunities to fuck you over. That's why they say the good die young --the world only gets darker as you age because you realize there are more dark places. Life is like playing hide & seek with truth. There are too many places for lies to hide.
I try my hardest to maintain a positive attitude. For the most part, I do it well. Still, I can't pretend I don't know otherwise. I just try not to let it get to me. I try not to let negative thoughts push happiness aside because, eventually, it just takes over. That's how a hater remark turns into a hater conversation. Once you let something exist, it exists. That's why misery is foreign to me. It's like a dream I can't quite recall. I know what it is, and I know what it feels like... but I know that doesn't have to be the reality. The pure notion of misery makes me laugh. On purpose. People want you to focus on the wrong things. Them for example. Every move we make that includes other people also includes their baggage --you've got to be careful who comes along for the ride. Their ties become your ties. Their worries become your worries. You've got to find the point where you separate yourself from the rest of the world because you are separate from the rest of the world.
I'm a little stressed right now, to be honest. I'm trying to figure out what I want. Sometimes we get so caught up in what other people want to do and we try to accommodate others so much, we forget to check in with ourselves. That's when your muscles tighten and the that spot between your shoulder blades feels tense again --that's just how it feels what you've put your heart up against the wall. You've got to listen to yourself. Relax. Really, this is all me talking to myself. Reminding myself to consider myself. Until I figure out what I want to do, I ain't doin a damned thing. Some confuse the "S" on my chest for Superwoman but I'm really just a spoiled brat. I like things my way. I like to be happy. I like me. I value my opinion and my feelings. I can't continue to consider other people before myself --across the board. Even when it comes to this blog thing --if you pay for my services you pay for my services not my soul. I am neither chained to this computer nor slave to it. That is what makes me Ella even when I'm not. And, in May, when I go on vacation, I'm going on vacation. I understand full well that I've got to pay the cost to be the boss & that's why I work so fuckin hard. You should see how I play.
Whenever I'm feeling like this, I just remind myself that I love myself. The world's cold. "Lonely", some call it. Still, it's the only one we've got. You have no where else to go so, for the time being, you've got to learn to live in it and pick out the pieces worth keeping. With those pieces you build your world. The care, the compassion and patience you took to pick out those pieces will determine how long it'll take before your world comes crashing down. You've got to understand each piece --everything you do, everything you see, everything you are. I mean, truly understand those things and then put them where they fit the best. Perhaps there's a piece of you that holds everything else together. & perhaps some shit just doesn't fit. Perhaps you don't need everything. Not quite yet.
Whatever you do love enough to pay mind to, love. There's nothing more disappointing than that a half-hearted performance. I went to the Poetry 2012: Grand Slam! performance at BAM on Friday and --while I enjoyed some acts thoroughly --I was disappointed with some of the performers. The point of it all was "positive" expression, but overall it came off real corny. As the cast sat across the stage it looked exactly like what it was --a cast. It was theatrical. It was someone's job we came to watch. Some of the poets still had passion in their pieces while other belted out whatever their ego pointed to first. Who's fault is it if I'm not impressed? Theirs? Mine? Who says I have to be impressed? Who am I to judge? Secretly, I just felt like I was better than most as I sat in the audience answer the "tough" questions from the audience. & while that's a feeling filled with conceit there's also a lot of love in there. Some people love what they do, and others just want to be seen doing something. It's the difference between watching a carpenter, a sculptor, and a sculptor who's mastered wood. There's your job, your art, and your love. The lack of love in this world amazes me sometimes. I love everything everyone does (I appreciate the contributions to art) but I love what I love more --and it gets in the way sometimes. Passion is everything to me. When I observe people doing what they love, I hope to see a smile on their face. I expect them to be excited. Some people talk to you about what they "do" and it's obvious that's nothing more than a chore. I used to date a guy who told me talking about computer switches made his d*ck hard. & that's why he was going back to school for it. I applauded.
You can't hate on love. This applies to everything, ladies & gents. You can't hate on people who are doing well at whatever it is they do well in. You can't hate on relationships other people choose to be in. You can't hate on outfits you can't afford and you can't hate on people you don't know. All the shit that doesn't concern you, you can't hate on. You should love it all. I hope the entire world does well, because I'm bound to run into someone who's doing well enough to see, understand and perhaps invest in my genius. You never really know who you're hatin on till you're broke & their rich. With that said... love more. Love yourself. Love what you do. Love who you are. Take advantage of every moment, but don't let the world take advantage of you.
I know you all don't give a fuck about my feelings and would rather hear stories about who I'm fuckin but... you're going to have to get used to a little decency.
It'll be good for you.
Love you more,
The video below is dedicated to me.
One day, I'll be able to do whatever I want to do & the people will love me for it.